These are definitely deal-breakers, experts say.
Everyone tells you that a successful relationship requires compromise. (Whether that’s actually true remains up for debate.) The actual degree to which you must compromise … well … that’s something each of us has to figure out on our own.
Yes, relationships definitely require give and take. The key is finding the right balance that suits both people. No one wants to wake up a decade later and realize they did most of the “giving up” to make their partner happy, but received little in return.
Of course, we know for certain: no one (repeat, NO ONE) will ever successfully check off every single item on their partner “must-have” list.
That said, when you find yourself repeatedly compromising on things that matter the most to you — and your partner expects you to keeping doing so, that’s likely a big red flag that this is not the right person for you.
If this is happening in your relationship, it may be time to call it quits (or, at least, have a serious talk) if your partner can’t accept the following about you:
1. You have your own goals.
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Sure, the two of you are a team. But you’re also two individuals; two totally separate people.
Some goals, such as paying off debt, raising great kids, planning a dream vacation, are joint goals. Others, like getting a promotion, becoming more spiritual, running a 5K, finally getting your Ph.D., are individual goals.
We all deserve a partner who supports us in growing and thriving as an individual and who helps us achieve our own personal best.
“The benefit of being in a relationship is that the two of you together are greater than either of you alone, but only if you each enter as fully accountable adults,” says YourTango Expert and personal development coach Jan Bowen. “Couples who experience true love for each other appreciate the person their partner is, with independent ambitions and goals. If he doesn’t accept that you have your own purpose that requires a commitment to yourself, he doesn’t understand you and isn’t able to truly love you.”
2. You actually like yourself … just as you are.
You coupled up because you fell in love with someone just they way they were, right? So why is your partner trying to change you if they really love you?
Whether it’s your hairstyle, your clothes, your job, your political beliefs, or your desire to start a family — these are personal decisions that you alone should make. If you want help changing something about yourself — that should be YOUR idea. And if you want help your partner’s opinion or help, you’ll ask.
If your partner wants to change you, then you need to question their motivation. Here’s some insight into that:
“The truth of acceptance lies in self-acceptance, and that leads to love. Your partner is your mirror to yourself. If there is anything that he doesn’t accept in you, it’s because there is an aspect of yourself that you don’t accept,” explains YourTango Expert and hypnotherapist Mary Paleologos. “When you accept all of you, even the shadow sides, then what shows up is a partner who accepts and loves all of you, too.”
3. You have your own friends.
No one person can be all things to another. (And if your partner believes that, then you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship and should get some help now.)
It’s important to be around other people, especially ones who bring out and nurture the many different sides of you. Friendships can actually rejuvenate your spirit and make you an even better romantic partner.
“You need time with girl friends to talk and laugh and shop,” says YourTango Expert and life coach Kelly Rudolph. “Healthy friendships reduce stress and boost your self-confidence so that you’re at your very best when you’re with him.”
How can I help you find clarity and more joy within today? I’d love to learn more about you. Please connect with me or leave a comment below.
Originally published on www.yourtango.com on June 9, 2016
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