We’re energized when we surround ourselves with people who support us. People who lift us up, recognize the individual we are, and encourage us to succeed. The opposite is true as well, and can be even more impactful. It can feel crushing when others trod on our enthusiasm, what we find precious in life, as well as what we’re trying to accomplish.
It’s hard to understand when this happens. In one day, the same person is cheering us on and the next, being negative and discouraging us from our goals.
Why we look to others
Why look to others at all? Regardless of how self-sufficient and independent we are, we all rely on each other to some degree. And because of that, it’s impossible to avoid disappointment completely.
We need people, but what exactly do we need? Once we are clear on our needs, and what we are asking from others, it is much easier to stay motivated and true to ourselves — regardless of anyone’s reaction, or lack thereof.
Sometimes we ask others for validation and feedback. Finding it within is possible, but can be hard! So we ask others for their opinion. We may want approval, but even more, we want recognition of who we are, and a sense of belonging to a greater community. A recognition that the individual we are is acceptable just as we are to belong to more than oneself.
Other times. not needing encouragement, we reach out to others for companionship. Life can be lonely. So, we ask for more. We ask that someone be with us to witness the same experiences we do.
Needing others can be as simple as needing tools and practical support. We’ve all either experienced needing material help, or witnessed it.
But other times, we’re searching for answers to the big questions and are seeking out others for those answers. And it’s when we’re looking to others for the indefinable that we might want to stop and look within instead. This is when expectations are likely to differ.
Possible reasons people disappoint us
Are you asking yourself if it’s you that’s the problem, or the people in your life? That’s a good question to ask. The answer is it’s both.
Your expectations, combined with their behavior, are leading to disappointment. Here’s a few of the ways our thoughts and expectations can lead to feeling disappointed.
It’s not you, it’s them
There’s a lot of truth to the above statement. Even when we may not know the deeper reasons behind someone’s behavior, their response is formed from a combination of the individual’s emotions, beliefs, fears, etc. Perhaps your words, actions, or idea triggered a fear or memory. Perhaps they’re jealous. Or perhaps they’re thinking of something completely unrelated and respond thoughtlessly, not realizing the impact of their words. None of these examples are about you at all.
Sometimes others see us in ways that don’t feel true to who we are.
People typically focus on their life and their goals. Life takes thought, time, and effort. So their primary focus is their life — not yours, even if you’re a part of it.
Be sure you’re showing your true self for others to see. Live your values with integrity — aligned in thought, word, and action. Beyond that, you can’t control how someone sees you. You can control how to act when you aren’t accepted for who you are.
We are all doing the best we can, with the resources we have
I believe we all operate at the highest level of which we are capable, with the resources we have. Not everyone will agree with this principle, but it is an operating belief of neurolinguistic programming, and I adhere to it.
It can lead to disappointment if we view others at a different level of capability, awareness, or skill level than for what they have the ability.
We frequently have unvoiced and unreasonable expectations of people. We routinely ask others without truly knowing their limits and capabilities.
We can only do what we know
While we are all equal, we are not all at the same level. We do not all have the same level of experience, education, abilities, skills, etc. Some of us are younger, older, etc. And sometimes that means choosing different choices in situations. And these choices by others may not equal the choice you wanted.
No control over others
You have no control over others’ behavior and the outcome. That’s the real reason the resulting disappointment hurts.
Sometimes people hurt us. Sometimes life hurts. Disappointments happen. It’s what we do when these happen that make the difference in our life.
We usually become disappointed when we get a different outcome that we expected. The hard truth is we don’t have control over others. The only exception is possibly when children are very young and we are their caregivers.
Sometimes people don’t have the answers we want them to. Other days they may not have the time or energy for us, regardless of how we believe we should be their priority.
And it is possible they may not like you all that much. Maybe they once did, or maybe they never did.
You still don’t have control over which — or both — of those statements might be true.
And the fact is, they aren’t acting in the way you want them to that supports you.
When and how it’s up to you
So, figure out what it is that you did want from them. Start with questioning where circumstances went sideways in a practical way, because practical is easiest to resolve.
If you needed something specific, material or otherwise, and people you asked weren’t responsive, overlook the reasons they weren’t forthcoming, and take care of what you need.
Turn it around
It’s only fair to ask yourself if you’ve disappointed others. Is there a situation that you may have let others down, perhaps without realizing it? Or, maybe you realized but didn’t feel the hurt was as impactful as it may have been to them.
Did you need some companionship or encouragement that was sorely lacking? Although a bit harder to overlook, try approaching some other contacts. Either reach out to friends, colleagues, or do some community outreach. If none of those ideas seem possible, volunteer for a cause that makes you feel good about yourself.
Were you looking for validation or feedback? If you received none, or negative comments, you have a few options. Dig deep within and trust yourself. Or reach out to a professional group for feedback on your work.
But if you were searching outside yourself for the big questions, this is all up to you. No one else has the answers. And that may be why it feels the most disappointing, and indeed, hurtful, of all.
Fill your own empty space
So does that mean we can’t count on our friends?
Not necessarily. It depends on what you’re really counting on. What is at the core of your disappointment? Are you counting on them continuing to like you and include you in some aspects (but perhaps not all) of life?
Check what is at the root of your dissatisfaction and disappointment. If you discover others aren’t fulfilling your needs for the deep questions, and don’t provide purpose and meaning in life, it’s time to look within.
Focus on your goals and purpose. Are you clear on whether your values are in alignment with your circle of community? Ro, are you looking to others to fill an emptiness that requires deeper examination? Fill your empty space first.
Perhaps you’ve outgrown activities you once enjoyed with earlier colleagues. Explore new adventures rather than give up on the people entirely.
Get creative and get curious regarding the root of the issue. There are several possibilities and you won’t know without digging deep.
Temporary disappointment leads to growth
When we accept others where they are, rather than where we would like them to be, it allows them room to be who they are. They can respond openly and honestly, without fear. And in turn, we can do the same. And it leaves room for the potential of growth, rather than pretending or falsity.
We grow through honesty. Authenticity may not always be pretty. But it is the route to growth. Acceptance allows all of us to move beyond expectations of and from others. As we do, we find motivation as we succeed in our individual goals and in helping others — despite temporary disappointments.
Other people in our life can be helpers, guideposts, and even feel like angels along the way. They can shed light that provides insight for us on those big questions. But the big answers will always be up to us to resolve. Their role in our life may change throughout the years. Sometimes it even ends.
People will remain part of life. We can decide to transform or transmute circumstances into opportunities for something greater than what they once were. With honesty and integrity, we can look within for our values and principles and have the insight to allow individuals we encounter to be an enrichment rather than a disappointment.
Want to answer the big questions and look within, rather than being disappointed by leaning on others for your answers? Perhaps you’d like How to Hear What You Know: A Course on Developing Your Intuition to Practically Guide You Through Life. More interested in private mentorship, or a development group? Contact me and we’ll chat.
