Exploring the Currents of Friendship
Reflections on Presence, Connection and Care
April 7, 2026
True connection — whether in love, friendship, or the uncharted currents of life — asks only for presence, awareness, and willingness to listen. From each, I learn something about myself, and in that learning, a new freedom quietly emerges.
Present day reflection:
The piece that follows was written over a decade ago. Rereading it, I recognize both who I was — and who I’ve become. What follows is the original essay. Beneath it, I’ve added reflections shaped by time and experience.
Original article:
What Makes a Good Friend?
Do you ever meet someone likable and wonder “But would they make a good friend?”
When we move through life with an open heart, it’s easy to welcome people into our world, to include them as friends. As life grows more complex, my tendency has been to open my heart even further — to engage in the simple acts I know, the ways I can connect with another person, and to experience the profound joy of friendship.
Yet as social media has expanded, the waters have become muddied. Do we need more vocabulary to define “friend,” or would reinforcing our personal boundaries serve us better? Perhaps there is room for both — casual connections that remind us of shared pasts or interests, and deep bonds that mirror our shared paths in life.
Finding Clarity
The distinction often reveals itself in moments of tension or misunderstanding — when a deep connection isn’t reciprocated at the same depth, or when a casual friend seems more invested than they can sustain. We miss the chance to fully honor the relationship before us when we misread its depth.
One definition of a true friend, I’ve found, is someone who supports your best self — your highest self — even when you cannot. Perhaps especially when you cannot. At its essence, friendship is a soul contract.
Soul Friends
Several years ago I met someone ( a true friend) who introduced me to the concept and book by John O’Donahue, Anam Cara, a Gaelic word for soul friend. In Celtic tradition, this friend is also our teacher.
Relationships are like mirrors for us to better understand both ourselves and our life lessons. What we need to see and learn is reflected back to us in the relationship.
Within a friendship, the qualities of understanding, recognition, and support construct the relationship. Deep sharing is a gift of friendship and is a connection among humanity. Within those connections of friends we can find abiding joy and kindness.
New Definitions
The litmus test of true friendship used to be whether there was someone you could call in the middle of the night to talk to, or in an emergency. Oddly, in a lovely way, there are a lot of good-hearted people out there who would be happy to help and would willingly respond to such phone calls. The current litmus test of true friendship is whether a friend truly supports you in the areas they know you care about.
This doesn’t take away from the joy and the opportunity within the other levels of friendship — those friends who make us laugh at work, or help us feel welcome at the gym.
It’s a great feeling to belong and be part of humanity together. These are all opportunities to practice our deep connection, even if it goes no further.
Our Part
Everyone has basic character virtues to their benefit. When we practice them with others, we ourselves become stronger individuals. Who doesn’t enjoy being in the presence of someone who is honest, kind, respectful, forgiving, and loyal? That’s the list I aspire to with my relationships.
Perhaps you have a few more or some different ones. We can practice these with all connections — true friends and casual acquaintance. It’s the level of ourselves that we give away that we can choose to vary.
We still have the opportunity in more casual friendships to be our authentic self, and connect at an appropriate level. Just as our social media friends do not need to know every last detail about us, neither do we need to withhold information from our inner circle.
Adjustments
Perhaps understanding is beyond what is reasonable to expect. Maybe it’s enough to just accept. As we are defining for ourselves what makes a good friend, it’s only right to ask ourselves how to be a true friend beyond the virtues we extend.
I’ve noticed that I uphold my friends to be the best self they say they want to be … except sometimes they don’t want to be that way, and there’s me, still holding on to that vision of them. If I’m to fully accept my friends, that means letting go of that vision when they let go and leaving them some breathing room to recreate their own lives as they see fit.
My best approach to practice this is to fully believe they will get where they want to go because I know they are capable. I want to be there waiting for them, loyal, as they’ve gotten to the other side of where they’re going — regardless of whether their path was filled with joy, sorrow or a combination. I choose to continue opening my heart and focus on being a true friend rather than having one.
A Blessing
John O’Donohue provided a Friendship Blessing in “Anam Cara”. It captures both the essence of friendship and what we give and take from the connection.
May you be blessed with good friends.
May you learn to be a good friend to yourself.
May you be able to journey to that place in your soul where there is great love, warmth, feeling, and forgiveness.
May this change you.
May it transfigure that which is negative, distant, or cold in you.
May you be brought in to the real passion, kinship, and affinity of belonging.
May you treasure your friends.
May you be good to them and may you be there for them;
May they bring you all the blessings, challenges, truth, and light that you need for your journey.
May you never be isolated.
May you always be in the gentle nest of belonging with your Anam Cara.
New Section
Reading this now, years later, I see both the timeless truths it contains and the lessons that only time and experience could reveal.
This article was written before close friends had deeply hurt me. I thought I’d experienced hurt, grief, and wounds, but not to the extent that was to come. It wasn’t until I did, that I re-examined this writing from a different perspective.
It was before I learned the necessity of strong and healthy boundaries, and when to use them. And how used properly, they are an act of both self-love, and honoring others.
Interestingly, and maybe part of this beautiful friendship, I lost contact with the friend who introduced me to John O’Donohue many years ago. But we shared a true, deep friendship until we lost contact. And that was part of the learning as well.
I approached everything — life, friends, etc., — with an open heart. Partly because I knew that if the worst happened I could handle it. Not only because I am strong but because if I did need emotional support, I knew it was there.
Until the very support I counted on were the ones who hurt me so deeply. And of course, I’m not alone. So looking back at this from that lens, what still remains true?
All that is written, but more.
I’ve added a caveat to my list of expectations of friendship as well. I believe everyone gives what they are capable of. And we are all capable to variable degrees — of awareness, time, emotional intelligence — everything.
That can be a painful experience if two people are at extremely different levels of personal resource. For example, if one friend is openly generous and the other is giving with an expectation of payback, the balance is likely to become uneven at some point. And it’s very possible if the relationship is long lasting, it will become hurtful at some time also.
A realistic understanding of what others are capable of giving can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It also helps us decide how deeply to engage emotionally. In friendship, as in attention, the quiet space we create allows understanding, patience, and care to emerge naturally. Every choice to engage, listen, and hold presence with another is a reflection of the currents of care and awareness we carry through life.
Sometimes the wisest choice is to step back, to honor the flow of life and the currents of our own heart, allowing both ourselves and our friendships to move with care, trust, and gentle attention.
As love guides me inward and friendship teaches me how to extend care and presence outward, there are other currents — subtle, unanticipated, and sometimes fleeting — that reveal freedom, curiosity, and the unknown within connection.
This essay is part of the Attention series, exploring the currents that move through our lives:
Following the Current of Love — March 31, 2026
Exploring the Currents of Friendship — April 7, 2026
Encountering the Currents of Recognition — April 14, 2026
